"The biggest trouble maker you're ever gonna have to deal with in life, is watching you from that mirror every mornin."
Probably one of my absolute favorite things to do during the Christmas season is to watch heart-warming, sweet, sometimes even cheesy, Hallmark Christmas movies. This year was no exception. While watching a particularly good one I had recorded on my DvR a week ago...one of the characters said the quote above. It was so poignant to me that I stopped and rewound this line several times so I could type it into my twitter feed. The truth of this simple line hit me like a brick. While I can't even recall the name of the movie or character who said this, I can tell you that this message rings true and clear as day.
Today marks the first day of a new year and I wanted to take a little time to reflect on 2013. That and this blog desperately needed an update.
As anyone who has read my previous posts knows, my year started off with a life-changing health crisis. It was one of the scariest moments of my life where I honestly faced questions of my own mortality. I realize this sounds completely dramatic. Yet, in the beginning I had no clue what was happening to my body. I never went from being so strong and in such great physical shape to not being able to complete a standing blood pressure test in just a matter of a few short and extremely painful days.
Although the diagnosis of my thyroid disorder came quickly, two months later I found myself in the office of my endocrinologist doctor with an ultrasound machine. I don't think I will ever forget her telling me that I had a small (ten percent chance) of cancer being the cause of my disorder. She needed to do the ultrasound to find out. Just moments later, came the biggest relief of my life, when she gave the all clear that no cancer was present.
It took me four months to get well enough to return to work (a miracle in and of itself and a whole other story that would make for a blog of it's own). After being off the charts hyper-thyroid, my levels then slowly dropped down until it went the opposite direction and I became hypo-thyroid. I went through all the gamut of symptoms that occurs with both disorders. I was then told that my thyroid would most likely never return to normal and that I would need to take a pill for the rest of my life. They started me off on a low dose as I have found that I am very sensitive to medications. My med was then slowly increased over-time until, finally, my thyroid levels returned to a normal range.
I still suffered from extreme muscle pain throughout this whole time period and even after my levels went back to normal. I started to doubt that the pain would ever really go away and began to be referred to and seen by other doctors to figure out why I wasn't well. It turned out that it just took some more time for my muscles and body to fully recover and adjust. Thank God, the pain did eventually subside and I began to see the light at the end of what seemed an endless pit of unbearable pain and suffering.
As soon as I was able and given the ok by my doctors, I started to build up my muscle strength again. I had to start out small with just short walks. Even though I was back to work, I would get winded after going up the stairs and my legs would start to ache badly if I simply stood up for too long. I couldn't usually even make it standing up through a prayer or worship time at church (for example). I had to sit down because my legs and body was just too weak. Over the summer, I remember going to the LA county fair to watch my brother's band play a show there. This was the most walking I had done all year and it was a real struggle. My legs would ache so badly that I had to take a lot of sitting breaks in between all the walking. Again, fears began to fill my mind of wondering if this is how I would always feel from now on. Was this my new reality?
So you may be wondering by now, ok...so where do the mirrors come in and how is that your biggest trouble maker? Clearly it was a real physical battle I fought. Yet, the longer the physical pain went on, the more confusing it became. I began to have questions and conversations with loved ones about whether my pain was just in my mind (something I never truly believed). Or if the pain was being caused by my mental state. I did not have all the answers, that's for sure. Yet, I knew I was left with a choice. I could easily sink into depression and discouragement or I could decide to fight the fears, the pain, weakness and negative thoughts. I chose to fight. And fight I did.
I worked up from going on walks, to getting myself back into my ballet class. Not long after that, I heard about an upcoming opportunity to do my biggest passion again, a musical. A dear friend of mine told me that she was asked to be the assistant musical director for Annie. She was afraid to take it on and I gave her my full support and encouragement to go for it.
The more I thought about it after though, the more I felt I needed to take my own advice to her. It had been 6 long years since I last performed on a stage in a show. I felt super rusty to say the least and it scared me more than I could express to put myself out there again. What if I somehow lost my talent and made a fool of myself? Even worse...what if my body wasn't ready to handle it and/or I went into a relapse? I had just began to get back to health, work and a normal routine of my life. My mind swarmed with fears as bees swarm in a hive.
Despite the overwhelming anxiety, I pushed myself forward and went through with the audition. I ended up convincing a co-worker friend of mine to join in and we both ended up getting callbacks! As it turned out, we both got cast together as the maids Annette and Cecille. We were both in 6 musical numbers and I found myself doing more dancing than I have ever before done in a show. I also continued to keep up with my dance class throughout the two months of rehearsals. So I ended this year stronger than ever with a successful performance behind my belt! I met the most amazing new network of supportive friends I could have imagined to top it off.
You see, we can find all sorts of trouble makers in this world. Whether it be financial, our health, friendships, relationships, careers or otherwise. While those battles are real, scripture tells us that the real battle is more than the eye can see. "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Ephesians 6:12
The truth is that our bodies, minds and spiritual state are all inter-twined and inter-related. You better believe that those spiritual forces that the Bible warns us of, want to take possession of not just your body but your mind and spirit as well. So the real trouble-maker is not the situation or circumstance but the way you handle it. Only the person looking back at you in the mirror every morning can decide...whether to let the trouble makers of the world (whatever form it might take) to choke the life out of you and take control over your life like the girl in the image pictured at the start of this blog....or to choose to fight back and be an overcomer. It starts from within.
When I started to grasp this lesson, I was filled with hope and a new strength and sense of joy. I began to see how the struggle I went through could be used for my good, if I allowed it too. The fire could either melt me or refine me. I believe God leaves that choice up to us. We can choose to become angry and hold onto bitterness, regret, and self-pity. Or we can choose to forgive, surrender it all to Him and embrace faith, hope and love instead. I hope as 2013 has drawn to a close and we start afresh this year, that you choose the latter. Let's stand up and fight whatever troubles come our way. Take that leap of faith and push through the fears. Believe me when I tell you that you won't regret it. To God be the glory.
